How to Keep the Spark Alive in Your Relationship After Kids

Signs You’re Living Like Roommates

Relationships can slide into autopilot over time. What begins as stability and comfort can quietly evolve into emotional distance. Here are some key indicators that you or your partner may have checked out emotionally:

1. Lack of Engagement or Validation
   Your partner may stop seeking your opinion or valuing your input. Discussions about work, family decisions, or personal struggles may decrease, and behaviours you dislike—like leaving dishes piled up—might become more frequent.
2. Increased Emotional Distance
   Conversations lack depth. If you ask, “Is everything okay?” the answers are vague: “Just tired” or “It’s work.” This reluctance to share creates a wall that’s hard to break.
3. Defensiveness or Passive-Aggression
   Comments like, “Nothing I do is ever good enough” or “You fight me on everything” signal deeper resentment. Left unchecked, these feelings can erode mutual respect and affection.
4. Hyper-Focus on the Kids
   When emotional connection falters, one or both partners might over-invest in their relationship with the children. While loving your kids is essential, they shouldn’t be the glue holding the marriage together. This imbalance can lead to unhealthy expectations and guilt for the children.

Why Emotional Distance Matters

Steps to Rebuild Connection

Rebuilding intimacy takes effort, communication, and sometimes professional support. Here are three powerful strategies to reconnect with your partner and strengthen your bond:

1. Reflect on Your Relationship and Expectations

Ask yourself: Do I still want this relationship?
Sometimes, the loneliness we feel comes from unmet expectations we’ve placed on our partner. No one can fulfil all your emotional needs, and it’s unfair to expect them to. Consider speaking to a therapist to gain clarity on your emotions and expectations.

Your partner may sense your dissatisfaction and withdraw to protect themselves. Reflecting on your role in the relationship and understanding what you truly need can help bridge this gap.

2. Have an Honest Conversation

Communication is key. Does your partner know how you’re feeling? Sharing your emotions—not in a blaming way, but in a vulnerable, honest manner—can open the door to healing.

Remember, your partner isn’t a mind-reader. Bottling up your feelings or acting out (like through infidelity) won’t solve the problem. Instead, approach the conversation with a willingness to listen and understand their perspective as well.

3. Address Underlying Conflicts

Issues around money, intimacy, or differing values often fuel emotional distance. These disagreements, if left unresolved, can grow into walls that separate you.

Talking about these core beliefs can help bridge the divide and foster understanding. By focusing on resolving conflicts constructively, you can rebuild trust and strengthen your connection.

Why Prioritizing Your Relationship Matters

A strong partnership forms the foundation of a healthy family dynamic. When the relationship between spouses weakens, it impacts not just the couple but also the children. Kids benefit from seeing their parents in a loving, united relationship—they learn what healthy love looks like by watching you.

Moreover, no matter how stable or “comfortable” a relationship feels, humans never outgrow the need for love and intimacy. Reconnecting with your partner isn’t just about saving the marriage; it’s about fulfilling a fundamental need for closeness and understanding.

Feeling like your partner is more of a roommate than a spouse isn’t the end of the road—it’s a wake-up call. Relationships evolve, and periods of disconnection are natural. What matters is how you respond.

By reflecting on your expectations, communicating openly, and addressing underlying issues, you can rebuild emotional intimacy and rediscover the love that brought you together in the first place.

Remember: the goal isn’t perfection—it’s connection. With effort and understanding, you can move past the roommate phase and into a deeper, more fulfilling partnership.

A Reader’s Story: Finding Our Spark Again

After the birth of our second child, I noticed something unsettling—my husband and I were drifting apart. The endless diaper changes, sleepless nights, and the chaos of parenting left us both exhausted, with little time or energy for each other. Conversations revolved around logistics—who was picking up groceries, whose turn it was to handle bedtime. We loved each other, but the connection we once had felt like a distant memory.

One night, after the kids were finally asleep, I broke down. I told him how much I missed “us”—the late-night talks, the silly inside jokes, the feeling of being more than just co-parents. He admitted he felt the same but didn’t know how to fix it. That conversation was a turning point for us.

We decided to take small, deliberate steps to rebuild our bond. It started with carving out 15 minutes each night just to talk—no phones, no distractions, and no kid-related topics. At first, it felt strange, but slowly, we started reconnecting.

Next, we began sneaking in mini date nights at home. After putting the kids to bed, we’d order takeout, watch our favourite show, or sit outside with a glass of wine. Those quiet moments reminded us why we fell in love in the first place.

The most transformative change was rediscovering physical affection. Simple things—a quick kiss before heading out the door, holding hands during a walk—brought us closer. It wasn’t about grand romantic gestures but about showing each other that we still cared.

Over time, our relationship felt stronger than ever. Parenting will always be chaotic, but we learned that prioritizing “us” isn’t selfish—it’s essential. By investing in our connections, we became better partners and even better parents.

If you’re feeling disconnected, know that you’re not alone. It’s never too late to reignite the spark. Small, consistent efforts can make all the difference.

Keeping Your Relationship Strong Through Pregnancy and the Newborn Stage

Pregnancy and the newborn stage are exciting yet transformative times that bring a whirlwind of emotions, challenges, and adjustments. While the joy of welcoming a baby is unmatched, maintaining a strong, loving relationship with your partner during this phase requires intentional effort. Below are seven essential tips to help you and your partner navigate this journey together, building a foundation of love, trust, and understanding.

1. Prioritize Open Communication

Communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, especially during significant life changes. Pregnancy and parenthood can bring overwhelming emotions, so it’s essential to openly discuss feelings, expectations, and concerns.

• Be honest and vulnerable: Share your thoughts without fear of judgment to foster trust.
• Actively listen: Pay close attention to your partner’s worries or needs, and offer support.
• Schedule regular check-ins: Dedicate time weekly to discuss how you both are feeling physically, emotionally, and mentally. This prevents small concerns from becoming major issues.

2. Share Responsibilities

Pregnancy and newborn care introduce new tasks, and dividing responsibilities helps avoid resentment. Especially sleep deprivation in combination with stress can be unbearable (check out my article “Surviving Sleep Deprivation as New Parents“).

• Plan together: Discuss and assign roles in advance, from household chores to baby duties.
• Stay flexible: Circumstances change—be ready to adapt and support each other.

Shared responsibility ensures that both partners feel involved and valued, fostering a stronger bond.

3. Spend Quality Time Together

Amid the busyness of parenthood, nurturing your connection as a couple is vital.

• Set aside time for each other: Even short moments, like a shared meal or a quick walk, can strengthen your bond.
• Express love through small gestures: Write a sweet note, cook a favourite meal, or offer a massage.

Neglecting your relationship may strain it. Prioritizing your partner benefits not only your marriage but also your baby, as a happy partnership creates a healthier family dynamic.

4. Manage Stress Together

Stress is inevitable, but managing it effectively is crucial for your well-being and relationship.

• Develop coping strategies: Exercise, meditate, or engage in hobbies to reduce stress.
• Lean on your support system: Don’t hesitate to ask friends and family for help—they often want to assist but wait for you to reach out.

By managing stress, you can focus on your partnership and enjoy this special phase of life.

5. Embrace Change as a Team

Parenthood is a life-altering experience, and your relationship will evolve.

• Accept the changes: From physical transformations during pregnancy to the demands of caring for a newborn, embracing these shifts together strengthens your bond.
• Celebrate milestones: Acknowledge small victories, like a successful doctor’s visit or the baby’s first smile, to stay positive.

Change is challenging but also an opportunity for growth and unity as a couple.

6. Maintain Intimacy

Pregnancy and postpartum recovery can affect physical and emotional intimacy, but it’s important to stay connected.

• Communicate openly: Discuss needs, concerns, and boundaries with compassion.
• Be patient: Hormonal changes and exhaustion may impact libido, so approach intimacy with understanding.

Emotional closeness is just as important as physical intimacy, so focus on nurturing both.

7. Plan for the Future

Preparation reduces potential conflicts down the line.

• Discuss parenting styles: Align values, discipline, and baby care strategies to avoid misunderstandings later.
• Budget together: Financial stress is a common cause of relationship issues. Regularly review your budget and plan for baby-related expenses.

Proactively addressing these topics sets the stage for a smoother transition into parenthood.

These strategies won’t eliminate all relationship challenges, but they provide a roadmap for navigating pregnancy and the newborn stage as a team. Prioritizing communication, quality time, and shared responsibilities strengthens your partnership and creates a nurturing environment for your growing family.

Looking for more insights on life after birth? Check out my guide to the fourth trimester here. Together, let’s embrace the journey of parenthood with love and intention!

How to Get the Spark Back in Your Relationships After Kids

Becoming a parent is life-changing, but it often transforms the dynamics of your relationship. As an experienced mother, I know the joy children bring, but I’ve also felt the challenges that come with balancing parenting and partnership. Let’s explore how relationships evolve after kids and actionable ways to reignite the spark.

Top 10 Tips for Keeping the Spark Alive After Kids

1. Sneak in Little Moments of Affection

A quick kiss, a warm hug, or holding hands while doing chores can remind you of your connection, even in the chaos.

2. Make Date Nights a Must

You don’t need fancy outings. A movie at home or a quiet chat over dessert after bedtime can do wonders.

3. Surprise Each Other

Leave a sweet note, bring home a favourite snack, or send a loving text to show you’re thinking of them.

4. Turn Routines Into Opportunities to Connect

Use cooking dinner, folding laundry, or bedtime routines as a chance to share stories, laugh, or simply enjoy each other’s company.

5. Keep Talking About More Than the Kids

Discuss your dreams, interests, or even random topics to keep the conversation alive.

6. Reignite Intimacy in Small Ways

Physical touch doesn’t have to be elaborate. A gentle back rub or resting your head on their shoulder builds closeness.

7. Laugh Together

Share funny moments from your day or watch a comedy—laughter can instantly relieve stress and bring you closer.

8. Support Each Other’s Hobbies

Cheer each other on in personal pursuits. This strengthens your bond and helps you grow individually.

9. Take a Trip Down Memory Lane

Look at old photos, revisit your favourite date spots, or reminisce about your journey together to rekindle those feelings.

10. Dream and Plan Together

Talk about your future as a couple—travel plans, career goals, or even small home projects. Building a shared vision strengthens your partnership.

Final Thoughts: How to Make Your Relationship After Kids Stronger

Parenting is a beautiful yet challenging journey that can test even the strongest relationships. While it’s easy to let the demands of raising kids take centre stage, nurturing your partnership is just as vital. Remember, your relationship sets the foundation for the love and security your children grow up seeing.

Rekindling the spark doesn’t require grand gestures; it’s about being intentional in the small moments. Whether it’s a stolen kiss in the kitchen, a heartfelt conversation after bedtime, or a quiet moment reminiscing about the life you’ve built together, these efforts matter.

Every relationship evolves, and so does love. Accept the changes, prioritize each other, and keep choosing one another every day. With patience, teamwork, and commitment, you’ll not only strengthen your bond but also create a home filled with love and partnership for your family to thrive in. You’ve got this!

Frequently Asked Questions